So I was in Tom Thumb today, doing a little pre-work grocery shopping, and I happened across the magazine aisle. Now, fundamentally, I recognize magazines are a HUGE waste of money and an even larger source of misinformation, advertisement, and just excellent overall time wasters.
But one caught my eye.

Glutes. Training for Women.

Ok, first, it’s a whole magazine…focused on ASS. And it’s not pr0n, so I can totally read it at work and it’s legit.
Second, I’m a fairly curious little chicky so I decided to give it a whirl.
I have to say that after I got it back to the gym, I started doing some googlefu and realized that the ass-market and the ass-improvement-market is pretty massive. (See what I did there?) There are just about billions of dollars spent on telling women what to do to make their ass perky and uplifted and fit and firm and quarterbouncy. One of my favorite clothing designers (ok, two of them, but I haven’t got any gear from Verve) has spent a considerable part of their marketing and design budget designing shorts and pants to accommodate a bubble butt. That’s why they get my money, I have a big ass and their clothes hold it AND cover it AND manage to make it look hotter, tighter, and better. Damn right I’ll pay for that. But there it is…the marketing works. (Side note: You can apparently buy panties (as seen above) that will make your ass look bigger. AND THEY’RE AVAILABLE FOR MEN TOO.)
Third, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a nice ass. Ass sells. People love bubble butts. Britney Spears back in the pre-shaved head days made MILLIONS off her ass. Talent didn’t get here where she’s at y’all.

Anyway, I read this magazine and it’s CHOCK FULL of information on squats. And lunges. And NEVER GOING BELOW PARALLEL BECAUSE THAT IS BAD MKAY? I look at the pictures of the squats in question and they’re all just at parallel (and a couple are well above parallel) and I wince when I look at the toe placement. Ish.

There ARE some useful movements though, and we’ll definitely be incorporating a few of them into the warm-ups, just because they’re great stretches.

All that aside…want a better ass? Guys and girls, you gotta work for it. Ellipticals and incline treadmills are great if you’re a freaking hamster. Work the deadlifts, lunges, squats – all variations. Work those explosive movements like the box jumps. And (ugh) burpees.

Okay, aesthetics aside, there’s a reason to work the glutes and get the bubble butt. Generally speaking, a lean set of cupcakes (my loving appellation for the tops of your legs) means that the rest of your body is lean. And THAT means that you’re fighting off pathological ailments and decrepitude.

So…if your goal is to get a great ass, BRING your ass in here and train…without treadmills…without cables…without press machines and these weird looking leg squeezy things and God only knows what the rest of those contraptions are. Reap the benefits of having a CrossFit badonkadonk – whether it’s filling out a great pair of jeans in a a fantastic way or (more importantly) kicking the shit out of decrepitude.


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